#13 Relationships - Navigating Dating Apps: Lessons, Challenges, and the Path Forward

Discover the world of dating apps in Episode 13 of the Rediscover Real with Samantha Podcast. Join me as I share personal experiences and insights into modern dating dynamics.

Highlights:

• Addressing preconceived notions about dating apps.

• Shifting from casual dating to purposeful connections.

• Balancing words and actions in the dating world.

• Embracing personal growth and learning through experiences.

• Trusting divine timing and priorities over dating apps.

• Finding the balance between connections and boundaries.

Whether you're a dating app user, new to online dating, or simply curious, this episode offers a balanced perspective on effective digital dating. Tune in and join the conversation!

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Amazon Music, Audible, Google Podcasts, or whatever your favourite place to listen is! Or Watch on YouTube below!

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Navigating Dating Apps: Lessons, Challenges, and the Path Forward

Welcome to our discussion on the intriguing realm of dating and the unique world of dating apps. We all carry our perceptions of the good, the bad, and the ugly in this digital landscape, but there's more to it than meets the eye. Just like any other aspect of life, dating apps come with their share of positives and challenges. Let's delve into my personal experiences and insights on this subject.

My Experience and Learning Curve

Dating apps are an avenue that has shaped my journey significantly. I've encountered tales of people finding their soulmates and building wonderful relationships, while others approached these apps differently. For me, it's been a learning curve - from initially downloading the apps to ultimately deleting them. I've been on a rollercoaster of first dates, some exciting and others nerve-wracking, exploring the uncharted territory of talking to guys and learning about my own preferences.

Defining My Purpose

Unlike the casual approach that some adopt, my perspective shifted towards a more intentional purpose. I started viewing dating as a journey with a clear goal - to find a partner who aligns with my values, someone who can be the person I believe God intends them to be for me. This shift in focus from casual dates to purposeful connection changed my approach.

Challenges in Balancing Words and Actions

One of the most challenging aspects of dating is discerning between words and actions. People can say the right things while their actions tell a different story. Recognizing that actions often speak louder than words has been crucial. While I've met wonderful individuals, it's been difficult to acknowledge that even genuinely great people might not align with what I'm truly seeking in a partner.

Embracing Learning and Growth

My journey has been a mix of wonderful experiences and growth opportunities. Each interaction has taught me more about myself and what I'm looking for in a relationship. Character traits, values, and deeper compatibility have been my focus. As I continue to heal from past relationships and unpack my own baggage, I've come to understand that both partners must share a mutual willingness to grow and support each other.

The Decision to Delete and Trusting in Timing

At a point, I took a bold step and deleted the dating apps. It was a decision rooted in faith and trust - faith that the right person will come into my life when the time is right. This wasn't a rejection of dating; rather, it was a recognition of my current priorities and the belief that God has a plan for me.

Finding Balance and Embracing Growth

In a world where dating apps can provide both wonderful connections and moments of frustration, it's crucial to find balance. Remember that the journey is yours, and each experience shapes you. If you're navigating the dating app world, seek genuine connections, establish clear boundaries, and approach the process with honesty and intention. Whether you're in a season of singleness, new to dating, or reflecting on your journey, know that every step contributes to your growth.

Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Whether you're single, happily married, or somewhere in between, let's keep the conversation going. Your journey is unique, and it's worth exploring with an open heart and a discerning mind.

Transcription:

00:00

I want to talk about dating and dating apps specifically. Now you might have your own preconceived notions about good or bad or ugly and where dating apps fall into that. And there's good, bad and ugly with anything. And I know lots of people who have gotten married because of them and have beautiful long lasting relationships that are incredible. And I also know people who use it for maybe not.

00:29

quite so much of that, the opposite of that. And those are their choices. Personally, this is the fun side of things that I get to unpack and share my experience and journey. I've downloaded the apps and had the apps in years past. I actually deleted the apps.

00:59

um, after a while and like, quote, unquote, um, I deleted them this spring and we'll get into that. So, but dating in general has been, and I mean, this is, this could be a very long episode if I let it, because there's a lot of things from how I was raised and how I grew up and, um, dating and that whole thing that we could.

01:26

dig into but I'm not going to. We're gonna leave it at, I'm at a place where I choose to date. I'm not looking to just go on fun dates and randomly date people. I'm dating with a purpose and wanting to find someone who can be the partner that God wants them to be for me and build a life together and get married and be around for the rest of my life. And that's the goal.

01:56

Not everybody sees it that way. So a little bit of my backstory in terms of dating was I was in a relationship for seven years, almost up until two years ago. And we started dating when I was 21. I had very briefly dated one other person before that and had gone on like barely a handful of dates-ish, again, via online dating.

02:26

and a couple of people I've met in person, but nothing... No very, very, very few actual real dates. A lot of like coffees or you know, going for supper, but kind of not like... not in a romantic date setting, let's put it like that. In a getting to know somebody way, but definitely didn't have that like...

02:54

feel of maybe the traditional like somebody's taking me out on a date feel. Okay, anyways so dated one person very very briefly before and then ended up in this relationship for and I'm gonna I say ended up in a relationship chose to be in this committed relationship for almost seven years until two years ago. And so and there's a lot that goes on with that a little over two years ago now. Anyways so a few months after that ended

03:24

I was like, okay, I don't necessarily feel ready to jump into a fully committed relationship, but I've been in a relationship for almost seven years. I don't even know hardly how to talk to a guy anymore because when I was in a committed relationship I was fully committed. And aside from like a few of my friends, spouses who you still don't talk to a whole lot, I barely talk to a guy.

03:53

the relationship I was in. And so I was like, I don't even know what I want, what I like, what I'm looking for. I don't really have a clue about any of this. Let alone have it like have a conversation and like don't even get me started on trying to flirt. We have no clue how to do that. Still don't for the record. Um, and someday if somebody who I'm in a relationship with are married to listen to this, you'll probably laugh very hard at that because it's true. Um, and so.

04:23

I downloaded the apps in all their wisdom because my life doesn't have a lot of random single guys in it. Especially ones that I want to get to know. And so started chatting with some people and I wasn't totally sure where I was going to go with it, but ended up meeting some really nice people. And over the course of up until I deleted the apps a few months ago,

04:52

went on a lot of really, really great first dates. A few scary first dates, but went on a lot of coffee dates and out for Zephyr a few times. And there were a couple of people along the way that I got to know and I'm really thankful for those relationships, like in what they were, not like committed relationships, because they never got to that level because of either person and people not being ready.

05:22

Um.

05:25

But I'm really thankful for each one of those experiences, each one of those experiences. And in that process, learning how to talk to guys and how to have conversations, and what I'm looking for. And at the same time, a lot of prayer and consideration and digging into like, what are the character traits I'm looking for in a person? And what do I want that to look like? And...

05:54

And there was a lot of things that I got to unpack along the way of character and unpacking more garbage in myself and still obviously on that healing journey as well from past relationships and all that stuff. And...

06:18

Through all of that, coming to a place where...

06:23

Now, I feel like I know what I'm looking for. I know, I feel like I've interacted with enough guys that, because words are one thing, but actions are a whole different story, right? And that was something that is hard for me because a character trait I work really hard at is, I am impeccable with my word. And I'm by no means perfect. Screwed that up a lot. But who do I, more than who I'm looking for, looking for a list of boxes to check,

06:53

is who do I want to be in a relationship? How do I want to show up in a relationship? Like self integrity, who do I want to be? And how do I get to show up? And fully believing that God has the right person for me, and when the time is right, they'll show up. And then you get to put in the work and do the things. To create that.

07:23

But.

07:26

The actions versus words piece is probably one of the hardest things I got to walk through.

07:32

because you meet someone who you think is a nice person. And they are a nice, I have met incredible people and these are a few of the things. I never want for a second, just like with anything, there are good people and there are bad people. And just because you have a few rotten apples doesn't mean that they all are. And also that

08:02

They can be a nice person. That doesn't mean they're not the right person for you. And they can also be an incredible person. And you can be like, gosh darn it, you're a really great person.

08:16

But if there's missing pieces, missing components, which I'm not gonna get into the different components of relationships and dating and that and what I'm looking for, they can be an incredible person, but they might not be the right person for you. And that's been one of the hardest things to walk through and to have to walk out because you don't wanna hurt someone. And if you can see the incredibleness,

08:47

and that they're a great guy or vice versa, but that doesn't mean they're the right person for you.

08:57

is not fun. And that's been challenging to walk through because there's a piece, if you sit, you can easily go to fear and be like, I'm never gonna find the right person. Now, no person is going to be perfect, but when you can see that there's big pieces missing, needs that you have that they can't meet or there are some character traits that are just not in alignment with

09:27

what you're looking for. Um.

09:32

saying.

09:35

you're an incredible person, but you're not the right person for me, is really hard. And it's hard to hear too, for the other person.

09:48

and then taking actions over just words. And that's one of the most difficult things I think is because we all have brokenness and baggage is.

10:01

unpacking. Sometimes actions speak differently than the words they're saying. But if the words they're saying, if they don't match, it doesn't work. Like I've had people that, you know, they'll say the right words that they're wanting a relationship in those things, but their actions don't align. Or their actions actually align like they want a relationship, but their words are saying they don't. And the bottom line is that doesn't work. Some like,

10:30

you're gonna get hurt. And you can't just because their actions are telling you they want a relationship, doesn't mean that you run into that going, because you think they're a great person that you can run into that. And that's been a really challenging piece for me to walk through because I'm the type of person that can see the potential in somebody and can see that future and can build that future in my brain.

10:56

But if their words, if their brain is holding them back from actually wanting to be in that and looking for that, you can't change that. And I don't try to change people at all. It is not my responsibility. And that's not something that you want to be a responsibility.

11:18

So that's been fun. So all of this to say, I would highly encourage you if you're in a season of singleness or maybe you're younger and you haven't dated a whole lot, go on first dates, coffee dates. Coffee dates are great, especially if you don't know, like if you don't know the person in real life, get face to face with them. And...

11:47

and look at it from a perspective of you're just getting to know guys. And be straight up about that. That you're looking for a relationship, but you're in a season where you're just trying to figure out like you've never really dated before. What do you actually like? What are you looking for? What, what actually like jives with you? Um, and, and, and then go do fun things with the people that you, you know, you feel you can trust or you want to, you, you see enough, you see lots of good things and you're like, okay, I want to get to know you more.

12:16

Don't be afraid to go do fun things and those pieces. Like go find activities and go, you know, do things that kind of can sometimes challenge people's character and takes the filter off like mini golf or something and get to know them. But also don't be afraid to say, to A, have boundaries, lots of boundaries. Like,

12:46

That is not a bad thing. And to know what you're looking for, like in what season, and being really honest with yourself of, are you just getting to know people right now and looking to meet people? Or are you actually looking for your person, somebody to get married to? And what does that look like?

13:11

So that's like a little bit of my journey. The last thing I wanted to share about was actually getting off of the dating apps and deleting them. And I'm actually recording this and I just downloaded one of the apps again after a few month break. And it was uncomfortable at first to sit in a space of, because I've had

13:40

lots of fun experiences, there's been lots of mini golf, no. There's been fun activities, getting to know people and those things, and there's been lots of first coffee dates. I have a pretty good idea what I'm looking for. I know how to talk to a guy. But I'm not just looking for anyone. I'm looking for connection. I'm not getting into all that on here. But I was at a place where I'm like, hey, where are my priorities at?

14:10

and where does God want me to be focused right now? And getting to do some searching around that and come to a place where it felt like it was time to delete the apps and just really focus on my career and my things and my life outside of that. And to be okay with saying it's not a priority right now to find a husband because there's a lot of shame and guilt around being single, especially as you get older.

14:38

I turned 30 this, I did turn 30 this year, which was super fun. And I look at it as I'm just getting started. And I finally feel like I'm maybe in a place where I'm actually mature enough and have some of my ish sorted out where I could be in a more healthy relationship. Maybe in God's timing. Um, but to also be able to say, OK, while I'm there, it's OK if I say this isn't the right time. That's not a high priority. I have other things that are higher up the priority.

15:08

and like launching a podcast and doing these things and not talking endlessly. And quite frankly, a lot of the apps, like I said, there's lots of great people, but there's also lots of trash, quite frankly, and sifting through trash, trying to find a unicorn. There's there might be I just have different priorities. And so it's been a season of that. It's been really, really good. Now, I downloaded them again or downloaded one of them again. We'll see where that.

15:37

goes or if I delete it again right away I'm feeling ready to delete it. But I don't meet a lot of people inside of my life because I work at home and this is my life. Getting off of them though and deleting it was really huge and I would encourage you if you've been on them for a while or a long time to delete them. Whether you delete your accounts or not at least delete the apps or

16:06

and see how many times in a day you want to go check them for that hit of dopamine and that like feel good feeling Because it's a habit and when we start seeking that we know that's not healthy um, so Like I said, I think they can be used for good. I think there's lots of great people out there But just checking your motives and checking where your habits are at and if you're just looking for that like hit of dopamine That feel good feeling

16:35

somebody swiped right on you or somebody messaged you or whatever that is or someone who's been pen pals with you for the last 12 months messaged you again. It's a real thing. If you're not in the dating world or have never done it, it's a real thing. There's lots of pen pals out there. So yeah, don't be afraid to get off of them for a season. And then having the faith, and that's the

17:06

is trusting.

17:09

God's direction in deleting them and having faith that that doesn't mean like that wasn't me like I hear a lot of people. Oh, I just deleted them. I'm just giving up on dating I'm not not doing that and that wasn't the case getting to a point there were days where I felt like That I wanted to delete them for that reason, but I deleted them when I was a place where I was like It's not that I don't want to date. It's not that I don't feel like I'm ready It's I have other priorities First of all, but also more so even actually

17:37

is I feel like God wants me to delete them. And I get to have faith that just because I'm deleting them doesn't mean I'm giving up on dating and I need to go get the extended crazy cat lady package. That in his timing, that I get to trust and have faith and in his timing, the right person will come along. So.

18:01

That's a fun one to unpack. I'd love to hear your takeaways. If you have any, or just that you find this like hilarious, or you found it interesting because you've never gone down that path and you're happily married and that's not something that's ever gonna be part of your life, but you're curious, like what does it look like? Or if you're young and you're starting to look at dating or you're, you know.

18:30

wanting to find your person and you're praying that God brings them to you and sometimes it feels like it's just not happening. When we stop like desperately seeking and like being desperate, God has a way of teaching us those lessons and when we finally get to a place where we're not in desperation, then lots of good things happen. And the bottom line is, I mean after the few months of deleting them, I'm still single. Very very single.

19:00

Um, and it's been good, but it felt really uncomfortable for the first few weeks. Honestly, I was like, ah, like now I hear from now there's no one talking to me. Now I'm like, it was that moment of like, Hey God, like, no, I'm choosing to trust you because like there's literally, my phone is quiet. Like there's nothing, um, besides my work stuff. And, and so being, being okay with that and not seeking that.

19:29

validation, significance from random strangers off the internet. I mean, and you can apply this to anything else, right? Whether it's how many likes you get on a post or how many comments or doesn't have to be with dating. So how can you just sit in a space of contentment and with where you're at right now and trust and faith that God will bring the right person when the time is right?

19:56

and not trying to force something or make something work are also really key. So I hope this has been fun. And if you have any feedback or questions or like comments, concerns, queries, I'd love to have those conversations with you as well. And obviously I'm not talking about, we're not getting into the specifics of how to be safe and what to do and those things.

20:22

on here, that's not the point of this. But I hope this has been fun. I'll see you soon.