#18 Growth: Rediscovering The Real You - I Like You Better Now

I delve into the journey of personal growth within relationships. I reflect on a poignant moment shared by a dear friend and how it sparked a profound period of self-discovery. Join us as we explore the key takeaways, including taking ownership of our growth, recognizing the impact of unhealthy patterns, and the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive influences. Discover the courage it takes to set boundaries and shed layers of insecurity, ultimately embracing authenticity. Tune in for actionable insights on how to show up fully in your relationships and rediscover the real, empowered you.

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In life, we often encounter moments that shape our perspective and steer us towards growth. Recently, a dear friend shared something with me that struck a chord, a sentiment that I'd heard before - "I like you a whole lot more as a person now than when I first met you." These words resonated deeply, prompting me to reflect on my journey over the past few years, particularly during my time of singleness.

1. Taking Ownership of Our Growth (Section 1):

   • It's essential to acknowledge that personal growth is our own responsibility, independent of external influences.

   • Blaming others or circumstances hinders our progress; owning our journey empowers us to make positive changes.

2. Impact of Unhealthy Patterns (Section 2):

   • Unhealthy patterns can subtly shape our behaviors, especially in new relationships.

   • These patterns, though not initially overtly negative, may limit our potential for personal development.

3. Influence of Relationships (Section 3):

   • Who we surround ourselves with greatly impacts our growth and mindset.

   • Recognizing the importance of healthy relationships is key to fostering personal development.

4. Courage to Set Boundaries (Section 4):

   • Sometimes, recognizing that a relationship isn't serving our growth is an act of courage.

   • Establishing boundaries, even if uncomfortable, is a crucial step towards self-discovery and personal growth.

5. Shedding Baggage and Embracing Authenticity (Section 5):

   • The fear of being "too much" can hinder our authenticity and prevent us from fully showing up in relationships.

   • Rediscovering our true selves requires shedding layers of insecurity and seeking validation from others.

6. Embracing Change and Showing Up Fully (Section 6):

   • We are called to embrace change and step into our true selves.

   • Letting go of fear and judgment allows us to show up fully, creating a positive ripple effect in our lives and relationships.

Embracing personal growth within relationships is a transformative journey. It requires courage, self-awareness, and the willingness to shed old patterns. By taking ownership of our own development, we can rediscover the real, authentic version of ourselves, ultimately fostering more joy and fulfillment in our lives. Remember, you're made for more, and it's never too late to peel back the layers and embrace the real you.

Transcription:

00:00 I like you a whole lot more as a person now than when I first met you.

00:08 Those words from a sweet friend of mine.

00:14 just about had me in tears and wasn't the first time I had heard them.

00:22 Today, we get to talk about what that means and unpack that a little bit. And this is coming from something that I just had a friend share with me very recently actually. But I have heard over the course of the last couple of years since I've been single, I have heard it often.

00:51 and

00:54 It's something that is so life-giving to hear, but also really hard to hear, because that means you know that for a season, you were not showing up, you were not the person that you wanted to be, at least not for me.

01:19 So.

01:22 There's a lot to this. Now, I want to preface this before I go any further and say that this has nothing to do with the person that I was in a past relationship with in any way, shape, or form. This is how I showed up while in that relationship, and I take ownership for every piece of that. And it is no reflection on them or who they are as a person

01:51 even the dynamics of our relationship. This is how I showed up and how I chose to show up and what I allowed for myself.

02:03 And taking ownership of that is huge. Because so many people, I see blame it on, well, when I was with that person.

02:13 you know, they made me do or made me show up as or kept me from whatever. That is not what I'm saying here at all. We are full grown adults when we are in significant other relationships or hopefully you are. And that's on me. And so this has, I'm so thankful for that chapter of my life. I thank that person for that season and those chapters

02:43 all of the fantastic memories that that chapter holds. And that chapter is that chapter.

02:55 Within a few weeks of that relationship ending, I started to have people tell me, you're smiling again. The old Sam is back.

03:17 We like this version of you a whole lot more. You seem like a completely different person in a really good way. Each one of those phrases I have heard multiple times. And I wanna unpack this because it would be really easy to say like, well, that was the wrong person. You were just with the wrong person or they held you back or whatever those things are. Again, not the case. I take ownership for how I showed up.

03:47 when I was in that relationship and what I allowed. Now we're influenced by who we spend time with. And for me going into that relationship, I was not in a healthy place growth and mindset wise in a lot of ways. And I had a lot of broken patterns and baggage and things that I had not worked on at all. I had not really stepped into growth whatsoever when that relationship began.

04:16 or for most of the relationship either. And so in that, as we often find ourselves in any aspect of life, it's kind of like the rats. In a field, if you've ever driven across a field before where there's like the path, whether it's like the path that like where the cows always like, you know, go in and come out for water, or whether it's like the truck tire path.

04:46 right, on the trail, any trail. I mean, even if you've ever driven down a gravel road before, you know where most of the vehicles usually drive, right? You can see that. And if it's wet or as more vehicles do that, the ruts get deeper. And then it gets really hard to get out of those ruts. And the same goes for relationships. And when we have unhealthy patterns, and that's how we, but they aren't necessarily like,

05:15 maybe appearingly super negative at first glance, when we show up like that in the relationship, especially when it's new and we're developing that, and those become the patterns and those become the ruts. And then trying to get out of those ruts when you wanna grow or do something different, oftentimes, depending on the dynamics of both people in the relationship, the person wants to kind of keep putting you back there. Well, that's not what you do. Well, that's...

05:45 That's uncomfortable. It's unfamiliar to them. They want you to stay in those ruts, because that's comfortable, it's predictable, and those pieces. And so we often find this in growth in general, even for yourself or with friends or family. Well, that's not who you are. Well, why are you doing that? You've never done that before. You've never held boundaries before with family, let's say, or with friends. Well, we always talk about this.

06:15 well, why aren't you, you know, why aren't even with like bad habits or patterns, well, why aren't you coming out drinking with us? Or, oh, well, why aren't you drinking? Or why aren't you having another one? Or whatever that thing is. The same thing applies. Anytime we try to shift and make those changes or show up differently, it's not that the person doesn't like you, it's just unfamiliar and uncomfortable to them. And so for myself,

06:42 Am I allowed?

06:45 my brokenness and my baggage to, there was a lot of unhealthy patterns and beliefs and thoughts on my part. And as I, how I showed up,

07:06 really impacted me, I came with a lot of insecurities and seeking validation from that significant other in that relationship. And in seeking validation and significance and fear of the relationship ending if I didn't, it left me to stay small. And in a lot of ways to shrink. And

07:36 to definitely not step into who God created me to be.

07:44 And I sat in that. Now I didn't realize that at all. Like there was on the, from an unhealthy perspective, you know, level, it would be like, oh, well the other person doesn't like that or the other person, well, I'm waiting for the other person. Well, when we get to this point, then we're gonna do start doing stuff like that. Now there's seasons where sometimes you get to wait, but.

08:11 when you're not showing up and it's

08:18 it slowly picks away at you and yourself, not them. I'm not saying, and there's by no means, this is 110% on me or on you in the relationship. When there's that slow.

08:36 Well, that's not what they're into, that's not who they are, that's not what they like, that's uncomfortable for them. And if you're seeking validation and significance from them, then you're going to constantly be trying to people please and make them happy and seek that. And so you're going to, if you're in an unhealthy place, it's a good chance you're gonna say no to the things in your heart, who you are.

09:03 who God has called you to be, the dreams and the hopes and the desires and the personality and the aspirations and the motivation or whatever those things are that God put inside of you for a reason in just showing up as a healthy person. It's like if you hang out with somebody who eats junk food every day for lunch, you're probably going to eat junk food more than if you hang out with somebody who has salads every day for lunch.

09:32 and is talking about that versus talking about junk food, you're gonna, it will start to rub off. And that's on you to recognize who you're surrounding yourself with. And there is a point where we get to choose who we're in relationship with, and to be conscious of that, and to make decisions based on, not that the other person, it's their responsibility at all, but how do I show up and who do I show up as, and how do I continue to show up?

10:02 while I'm in this relationship? Whatever, as friends, as significant others, family, whatever that is. Am I showing up as a healthier, happier, more whole individual that is stewarding my body well, is stewarding my finances well, is stewarding my time well? All of the, every piece is having good conversations versus gossiping.

10:32 You know having conversations about the Lord and deepening our relationships with him or pulling you away from that Again, this is on you Ownership is a hundred and ten percent on you in this Nobody else can make you feel something or do something Nor should they

10:56 It's on you, but you will be influenced by who you hang out with.

11:01 And so having these conversations and having friends tell me this again.

11:10 like I said, is so hard but so life-giving. And so when I look back at that chapter and I'm sharing this because for so long I didn't see that. I didn't see that I was missing that because I was so caught up in the relationship and people pleasing and seeking validation and my baggage and brokenness and those pieces.

11:35 So the first piece is to take ownership of that, of those, like your emotions, your thoughts, nobody can make you feel something or a certain way, finding neutrality in compliments, in whatever that is. And then getting to look at the relationship and examine the relationship of, is this someone that is helping, is,

12:03 not helping me in like they're doing the work, but is walking this path kind of alongside me or like supporting me, not doing the work for me, but is it helpful? Is it serving me in moving forward? Sometimes, because you can have people that maybe push you to step into more growth and that can feel really uncomfortable and I hear often a lot of like resentment or that brings up a lot of uncomfortability too.

12:33 Now not from a place of the person trying to change you. There's a difference between somebody trying to change you or intentionally influence you versus I want to encourage you in this because I know it's important for you. I know it's important to you. I want to help you step into that more. And because I know that when you do that, you're gonna show up as a more whole, healthy individual, which in turn, being in relationship with you will

13:03 serve both of us and the relationship, right? Or even externally, if you're like, being able to recognize that you're better apart, that you're better not in a relationship or you're better with boundaries, you're better when you're not in that situation and having the courage and the bravery to say, you're a great person, but...

13:31 because of where I'm at and my brokenness, patterns, whatever, this doesn't work. And being able to have the courage to say that takes a lot of courage and a lot of bravery. And so if you've done that, I admire you. And if you haven't, checking in with yourself and looking for that awareness, I'm not saying to end a relationship.

13:59 because it's but to really gain some awareness and take ownership for your pieces of it and really take an honest look. And taking ownership for am I where I'm at? Because it has nothing to do with that other person.

14:14 At least not to begin with, that like at all, right? Now the relationship might not jive in other ways or be something that is healthy because there can be unhealthy patterns. It takes two people to be in a relationship.

14:32 But it's a really challenging thing to be able to step into that and to have that awareness and to take ownership for that. So if you feel like you've lost something, if you've been waiting,

14:49 If you're struggling with, this doesn't quite feel right, but I'm scared to be alone or to end things or whatever those pieces are, and you've worked through all this and unpacked it and hopefully worked with a counselor and a coach and all of those pieces.

15:07 Find the courage and find the bravery. Because I sat in that for so long, for so long.

15:17 I didn't realize how much that impacted me and how I was showing up because of that. And while not for a second do I look at that chapter of my life and think that it was wasted time.

15:33 It stings knowing that for that extended, like multiple years, I was not who God create, I was not stepping into and showing up how God created me to be at all. And I was kidding myself and fooling myself in thinking that I somehow was. Now there's no like, that's not to shame or guilt, but just that it's a hard pill to swallow to know that like yesterday's done, it's over.

16:03 Oh, Siri caught me. It's not coming back, right? Those years are done. I can't get those back. Like I said, not wasted at all in so many ways. But what if I could have shown up in that relationship fully who I was and created new patterns outside of those old ruts?

16:29 What would that have looked like?

16:33 because a lot of those pieces, that would have impacted the relationship hugely. Now, like I said, I'm not looking to go back to that by any means. That was a chapter and I'm thankful for it, but that's not what this is about, of like the what ifs of, oh, you could have changed that. That's not at all what I'm saying here.

16:49 for me to be able to have shown up fully in those seasons. And I guess there's so many people that were in my life during those seasons, like extended family on the other person's part and that, that I question what they must think of me or how they viewed me and how I showed up. And when I think back, there were so many times that I wanted to show up differently, but I allowed.

17:18 myself to play small, to stay small, to like kind of shrink away from things.

17:27 And that's really hard to know that, but then to let go of it, to learn from that and to say, you know, I really said I'm not holding onto guilt or shame or judgment or anything around that. I've grown so much and I'm so thankful for that growth. So thankful for that growth. And for that season, today in the present moment and

17:54 tomorrow and whatever days, however many days God gives me to show up fully.

18:04 myself and it's not always gonna be perfect it doesn't mean like it's all rain unicorns and rainbows and that I'm gonna show up perfectly by any means but to have that awareness to check in with myself to have that ownership

18:20 is a beautiful thing. To have life, to feel alive. I fully believe that God wants us just like to really feel His love for us, to feel alive in the life that He's given us and how abundantly blessed we are. Every single day, every breath we take.

18:49 So to each of the people who have said, the old Sam is back, you're so happy, like you're so smiley, your energy has shifted so much, you're such a more positive and delightful person to be around now, we like you more, whatever those things are, thank you, thank you. That has impacted me so much in so many ways.

19:18 and if you're someone who feels like you maybe are missing that, take ownership for your life. again, no one is making you feel a certain way that's all on you, and it doesn't mean you have to leave the a relationship or something like that. i'm not saying that, but especially not to begin with. unpack that and work through it first and create new, like create new healthy ruts, if you will.

19:48 and healthy patterns. And bust out of those old ones.

19:54 and it'll be uncomfortable, it'll be unfamiliar, and it'll be scary, and it'll feel really weird at first. There have been multiple times in the last two years where it feels uncomfortable, because I've sat in that for so long, it's like, well, what are they gonna think of you if you show up like that? What if you show up like that and they're like, ooh, you're too much? And that was one of the things that I definitely, that was a fear on

20:25 because of baggage, my baggage, coupled with every person comes to relationship with baggage, but my baggage paired with the other half's baggage brought this, well, what will people think? And being so worried about being too much or those things. And that led me to just shrink.

20:53 smaller and smaller and smaller.

20:58 And the thing is, the only way you're not going to be criticized is if you do nothing, say nothing, be nothing, like, and then even then you're going to be criticized.

21:16 and judged. So show up as God is calling you to be, who God created you to be. Rediscover the real you. And that's what, like, that is where that title and brand comes from. Because you have everything inside of you already. God created you absolutely perfectly in his image. Absolutely perfectly. So show up in that. Rediscover. Peel back the layers.

21:44 the opinions, the lack of ownership in your own life, and those things, so you can show up fully in a relationship for your life, for yourself, to create more impact and ripple effect. We need more light in the world. We don't need more playing small or worrying about what other people think of us or any of those pieces.

22:10 Okay, I would love to hear. This impacted you? Do you have thoughts around it? This has been a long time in the making, honestly. This is something that I've been going to share for on social and stuff in different places for like almost two years, but I wanted to make sure that I was approaching it from a place that honored and respected that chapter and that season of life with that person. And so I hope this has.

22:40 That's my intention behind it. And I hope this is impactful for you. And I'm sharing this because I see so many people shrinking and staying small and pulling back.

22:57 and losing themselves in that.

23:01 And I pray and hope that you show up fully in your life every single day. Whether that's changing dirty diapers or whether that's going through something very, very, very difficult in your life, um, in whatever capacity, or whether it's just the, the, you know, routine mundane, whatever you want to call it, the day to day, or whether that's doing big

23:30 seemingly scary things and doing things that are outside of the box and more. Whatever you're called to, whatever season you're in, to fully feel that and embrace it.

23:43 I pray that this has been helpful for you and impactful in some way because you're made for more, you're made of more. So peel back those layers to how God created you absolutely perfect and rediscover the real you.

24:05 more joy and less overwhelm, less stuckness, less playing small.